Soulard's Online Notebook 2005
july 15, 2005
7:13 a.m.
home
seattle, washington
yestermorn updated the site's radio page as my show is back on the air after a two week hiatus...KD and i went to the midwest and got her car and drove it back here, a long two day trek, though much fun, free awhile in each other's company and not the press of time nor faces...
this morning adding to site this notebook page for the second half of 2005...strange how long this site has existed in cyberspace as i have moved about in fleshspace...i don't worry about it suddenly disappearing...strange even to say that...
my job is going to go full-time soon but the question is whether or not it will be me doing it, since it has been advertised...i feel hopeful about it, but then again people burn you in this world, they nod and smile and use the word sorry when they do not mean it, mostly to make you leave without a fuss...so i do not know...
i think i post here less because my faith in cyberspace isn't very high right now, my devotion to its better possibilities...most of my press work lately has been preparing for the PDX zine symposium and Burning Man...found out about an indie press event in Seattle last weekend and went to it...Synchronicity: An Indie Sideshow...sponsored by Stetset...it was at a bar in downtown Seattle...went pretty well, KD and I were up all night readying enough cenacles for it...heh...tired right now...but in the ring swinging still...on the beam, amante...
july 22, 2005
6:37 p.m.
home
seattle, washington
updated site's radio page for this weekend's show...called in sick today...trying to figure out something...no faith but in works...words like that...
august 17, 2005
9:40 a.m.
home
seattle, washington
it was about two weeks later i got the lay-off axe from expedia.com, it came suddenly & ugly...i should not have been shocked...a very poor company, full of angry, alienated souls...longer i was there, harder it was to keep coming in...did it for the check, to keep my home with KD floating steady, til the incompetent bosses above, none of them with any management experience, decided enough was enough with me not being female & exactly like them...bitter, me? yah, i got fucked up the ass dry...
life goes on, i do not wish them well, but i had to get to securing a new job for me & KD, it took a week or so, but did it, starts in a couple of weeks...i go in for two days, then Burning Man 2005 the rest of the week...wishing for longer at BM but glad to be jobful & going too...
added, overdue, last weekend's radio show description, and #25-36 of New Songs (for Kassandra)...there's now over a hundred of these pomes, figure best to get some more up here...this month has been rough, but i got a job, maybe better than expedia was, and by month's end we will be at Black Rock City, righting all the inner wrongs, & glad to have arrived...
august 20, 2005
11:40 a.m.
home
seattle, washington
added this weekend's radio show information as the show is on air broadcasting, so a little bit late but ok, keeping up....
this has been a week at home printing Burning Man books, like summers since '99...half of about 1000 books are ready for the desert...it's exciting, & what will it be like? will it still matter to me? i hope so...
september 7, 2005
9:04 p.m.
home
seattle, washington
added the august 27th radio show info, very late of course, toward the end of preparation for burning man 2005 not much was getting done, muchless done on time...but the prep got done, and KD and I went off to the desert in our car, bikes hanging off the back of Sid, our car...our bikes, PIxie & Sparrow X, hehe...and we made it to the desert for most of a week...
it was a challenging week, the weather and the human noise of Black Rock City, by the end of the week we'd pulled together our scattered parts, and had a really good burn night, dancing to the rave and saying our vows beneath the sparks...walked most of the night til exhausted, KD retired to our tent and i sat out looking deep into the stars and asking my usual questions...returned safely to the mess of another big american disaster, this time the hurricane down south, and the king failed his people again, and this time they are not to be fooled...the autumn has begun big time...i am working the old daytime weekday hours again, doing it for nights like tonight at a local joint when i wrote with fury and love and KD read some book of the same spirit...on...
september 14, 2005
3:23 p.m.
work
kirkland, washington
again late, updated this site's radio page, and vowing to do it better, trying to get up on top of the hill where the sun shines and maybe things are clearer...
work goes ok, other chances are being thought about too...looking toward the autumn and what better work can happen...pause...i need to do better...need to...
september 21, 2005
3:26 p.m.
work
kirkland, washington
goodness, one week later almost to the minute updating this site, simply adding the most recent radio show update, again late...
i'm working on getting KD & I more into the social life of our city, i think it is very necessary, has to happen...what else? lately, i've been wondering where to find the magick, i mean the kind that lasts, i think in several venues knit each to the other...more next time, if any...
september 23, 2005
10:29 a.m.
work
kirkland, washington
finally, updated radio show page before show is broadcast...little victory, but still...no show next weekend...maybe some other content update, eh, heh...
my job looks to be extending til the end of the year, that's good...time enough to find full-time work, benefits, a set of sick days & vacation days perhaps...heh...
wedding plans for Colorado proceed, seeming to get more complex, but it's fine, weddings seem to be a way to honor the people who show up as much as the ones who are wedding...12/31/05...formalizing for others what's already in existence between us...
11:44 a.m.
ok, finally, some more content, added poems #37-72 of New Songs (for Kassandra). . . so now about half of the ones written so far are posted at this site...i think there will be about 180 in all by the end of the year...satisfying to finally get something up other than radio page updates...one more thing: huge anti-war rally in DC tomorrow, and hope the corporate mainstream press will cover it...the world is falling down around the king, waiting for the time when it will be time to sort through the embers and build up again, better days awaiting then...
september 26, 2005
10:18 a.m.
work
kirkland, washington
this morning pruned the alternative news links, deleted drudge report, world net daily, mlsuniverse, jeff paterson, art bell, free radical, daily revolution, & new mass media...some of these links were dead, some i don't wish to endorse anymore...added link to media matters for america, a site excellent for sorting the truth from lies in the fascistic corporate mainstream press...
last weekend 300,000 people marched in DC against the Iraq War & bush's world-crushing policies geared toward treating the rich like lords of the earth & all others as crops whose lives are fuel to be used mercilessly...is 300,000 enough? half a million? how many people need to oppose the War to end it? what about the hurricane in new orleans, the wretched government action on it, the no-contract bidding corrupt recovery?...the poor people by the thousands separated from family members, lost, locked up without food & water?...what does it take for people to realize that oil baron theocrats have no interest in democracy, in the spiritual values they claim to represent, in anything but power, accumulating it & keeping it?...i sat with KD at a burger joint last weekend & we talked about for hours, what will it take? later we stayed up all night watching strange TV shows & creeping ourselves out, heh...shift dark, shift light, people is odd folks...
september 27, 2005
2:36 p.m.
work
kirkland, washington
mass pruning of the psychedelic links page...updated the name of the Burning Man link, the Mushroom John link, the Hallucinogen.com link, the SpiritPlants link, the Entheogen Library link, and the SPF Radio link...deleted dead links Church of Gnostic Luminism, psychedelic greeting cards, Groovetech, Pills Report, Start Your Own Religion by Timothy Leary, Rhodium, Good Drugs Guide, Narco News Bulletin, Mindbooks, Zenkigen, Lucid Mirage, & Pineal Project...I think it had been two years since these links were checked...now to add new links soon...
september 28, 2005
1:47 p.m.
work
kirkland, washington
updated the literary links page, deleted Meanie which seems defunct, corrected URL link for Zyzzyva...no other changes, not yet, at some point i may just drop this page or re-work it entirely...leaving it for now...
thinking last night on the bus, what is it i still lack in life & wish to pursue? the word recognition came to my mind, not sure yet how to pursue this thought but it lingers a day later...also thinking how the world seems ruled by avaricious lords of the planet but, again, what to do with such an idea?
october 4, 2005
4:22 p.m.
work
kirkland, washington
this entry a note to say that i am working on readying new files for the radio show page...there will be quite a few in not too long a time...also working on adding more books to the no borders free bookstore/burning man books library...site maintenance is the order of the day...looking to have everything on the site in good shape, & more of it...
KD & I working at wedding plans steadily, engaging a DJ, soon to buy rings, making very pretty handmade invitations...we've got our weekends to ourselves for awhile, though last weekend my sister & a friend of hers were visiting Seattle...nice seeing kin when the rare chance occurs...
october 6, 2005
11:35 a.m.
work
kirkland, washington
finally, on time, in advance, updated the site's radio page regarding this upcoming weekend's radio show...really happy on that...doing my radio show since '99 is one project i've especially loved having...chasing after music new & old, planning out what to read, & then the show goes live, turn on the mic, hope for the best, sometimes it really goes well...other times, well, heh...
i think we've gotten a DJ for our new year's eve wedding...i think...this week more been working on getting insurance for various health issues requiring prescription drugs...it's amazing the suffering people go through needlessly in this country because not every has access to healthcare...no reason this should be true...no reason in a rich nation people are sick, hungry, beaten down relentlessly over the centuries...will things ever be more righteous? do those who lord the planet really want such a thing? is there a greater power within the creature of the world? questions....
october 12, 2005
10:42 a.m.
work
kirkland, washington
this morning long months of working & not working on adding archives to the site's radio show page have yielded good results...shows for 1/23/05, 1/30/05, 2/6/05, 2/13/05, 2/20/05...there are some unresolved problems for the 3/7/05 and 3/23 shows, though the links are up...will be dealt with ASAP...but very happy to be bumping up the archives libary so much! 5 months of shows...more will come...oh, & the possiblity of a podcast too, heh...
working on getting better work, more pay, closer I hope to a full-time job with benefits, though that is a difficult task...just seeking better pay for now as a part way there...three possibilities hover right now...best way to jobhunt is to keep going, apply, interview, carry on, apply, interview, carry on...no other way keeps a soul sane during this process
tonight i think i'm going to a meeting involving the zine project at seattle's richard hugo house...hoping to meet some like-minded folks, & keep my promise to KD about finding cool local people to keep company with sometimes...things are ok right now, despite all the health & money worries...the boat is upright on the water, & feels to be going rightly...
6:35 p.m.
home
seattle, washington
ok, the fixes were made just now, just a little bit of checking, & now all is going, going to zine project meeting, hoping something good comes of gathering up my energy & tossing it up & out there...
october 14, 2005
3:26 p.m.
work
kirkland, washington
this morning updated site radio page, keeping it up-to-date, my hours are devoted to work & keeping along...this week chased some job alternatives, nothing sure yet, spent nights with KD & her burgeoning cooking skills & tv shows, the small secret moments of intimacy that nobody ever sees...went to ZAPP zine libarary & archives meeting, that looks to have some potential...right now i'm tired but trying, every day, keeping vows :)
october 21, 2005
9:55 a.m.
work
kirkland, washington
this morning updated the radio page for this weekend's show...other work: fixed the No Borders Bookstore page link to Burning Man Books 1999-2004 zip file...also working on a Podcast link to radio archives page...there is a preview here of the work going on, & there will be more shows in the archives as time goes on...
Current job looks to be ending soon, maybe, & I'm deep into jobhunting, hoping quick good luck strikes. With my wedding to KD coming up soon, the thing driving me right now is to be employed on that day, & on the days til then & after, to give her as little to worry about as possible. I will succeed. More soon...
october 28, 2005
9:34 a.m.
work
kirkland, washington
this morning added the Burning Man Books 2005 titles by Hesse, Faulkner, PK Dick, & Borges, as well as the All is Dream and Many Blooms anthologies. Some of the books are not perfect, but I'm getting them up there & to smooth out soon...
job situation is still unclear, even now when it could be over Monday, or not...there are some final negotiations to be done, boss-men talking to boss-men & the fate of the proles, as usual, decided without them...my jobhunting continues...one way or another it will work out, has to & will...
the Empire continues its bloated crumble as the first of its high thugs is indicted today for lying to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak scandal...many are hoping that this is the first of many, & that those responsible for ruining an unarmed country, as well as running the American economy into the ground to benefit the hugely, fatly, feloniously rich, will finally come to justice, & be taken off in chains...we'll see if the governmental processes they hijacked will bite them back, harder...
november 10, 2005
12:06 p.m.
home
seattle, washington
updated radio show page, again several days late...i wish i could say that work went on past monday, but it did not...i've been interviewing for jobs for the past week...getting nearer...the chase goes on until it is a success...there is no other choice...
wedding preparations go on too...we have been making invitations by hand, time-consuming but they're very pretty & a way to say to people invited: here is something special about to happen...
what i want most is to kick into next job & back to the writing & publishing that makes up most of my self-defined worth...even this wee tweak at this site is better than nothing...i have these exquisite moments of concentration & creativity which jack me right into the magick that always exists & waits one but to reach for it...out there...within...
november 18, 2005
9:55 a.m.
home
seattle, washington
updated radio page, again some days late...no show this week, as KD & will be getting ready for our trip East next week, leaving Sunday night...i wish i could say i'm looking forward to it, but mostly i'm thinking about the dozen job possibilities...one of them is very close, but no yes yet...
going East with KD is like taking her into a time machine not an airplane, to a time, not a place...i want her to meet me parents, & to see some of my yesteryears, such as exists...i can't show her some things, but mostly i can't show her when the ones i care about there were in their prime...most aren't...i think some places have a way of wearing people down early, which is why i left when i did...
today will be a long day until something breaks good...something will break good today, i am positive of that...i've been at this hard & harder for too long & it's time to get it resolved...i know that i am a more positive, caring, & loving person when not money-drowning...i know that i contribute to the world in ways i find harder to right now...i know that i am focussed on bettering myself & encouraging others when there is no crisis to handle...i've asked the Universe bluntly for help, & i ask again now: please help me, Universe, that i may be my better self & give of this better self to others...
december 10, 2005
2:23 p.m.
home
seattle, washington
return to radio show this weekend, updated radio page, working on much more than that but nothing ready to upload yet...
it was 8 weeks in the effort but i can finally say i've scored work, it was a hellish couple of months trying...i have a full-time job in downtown Seattle beginning in a week or so...very happy...i was getting pretty desperate the last week or so...
i hope in the next few weeks to make a run at finishing a number of projects before year's end...right now, simply grateful...
december 14, 2005
3:09 a.m.
home
seattle, washington
i am happy to report that an all day & night push has led to the completion of Cenacle | 55 | 2005...months in the making, & just now posted at this site...it's chock full of good stuff, go read it now!
work begins monday, i'm hopeful i will do well & steady for a long while, make something good of this good chance...
year ticks down, & so much to do before it ends..hehe...
december 17, 2005
9:11 a.m.
home
seattle, washington
this morning, a little close to the time, added weekend's radio show information, this one & one more & the radio year is done, 36 shows this year, pretty good, & keeping the radio page here updated, as well as adding archive shows...reason to be OK pleased...
monday i start my job as full-time editor in downtown Seattle...KD has given notice at her unloved job, hoping she can more focus on school & get an internship in her field, social justice, & not be tired from too many obligations & not be worried about money...big deal to have achieved these...
working this week, once Cenacle 55 was done, on the next issue, 56 | December 2005...not sure if it will get done on time, also working on a new book of my poems, first since '99, and a couple of year-long writing projects, & this site, & radio show...trying to pack in a lot before heading to the midwest to tie knot...decembers make me crazy for working!
december 24, 2005
3:29 p.m.
home
seattle, washington
lotta work today on this site, likely the last of the year, updated the radio page, last show of the year, it was a successful year for shows, happy over it....also added third page of New Songs [for Kassandra]. poems #73-108...i'm nearing to composing the last of the 180 total in the series, six more to go by new year's eve when KD & i wed...this series succeeded in helping me to do my kind of good work beyond the 6 x 36 Nocturnes series, which had consumed me for years...i wanted acoustic poems, shorter, see if i could hit as hard with few lines...sometimes it worked...heh...
my new job is still very new, my first week was devoted to orientation, i did pretty much no actual work...but my colleagues are nice & the daily bike ride there rocks over long slow tiring commutes...the pay & the benefits are just blessed fine...i will find ways to show the Universe i am glad of this good fortune...that's one promise i will keep fully...KD is in her town with kinfolk getting ready, stressed, but it will be fine, saturday night will come...i'll be there from wednesday on, that might give her some additional gladness...
last saturday night i gave myself a bachelor party, & to it came my bike, my notebooks, & my ipod...after seeing a movie, we journeyed through the city, visited a very pretty xmas tree in the downtown, then to some old stomping grounds, the neighborhood i lived in when i moved out there in 2002, i rode & saw my old house, remembered those hard, high days when i was up against it rough & for some reason did not quit...i think i have always felt that a chance is only lost when one gives up...i didn't get what i wanted then, but life granted me other beautiful things...
i learned, i grew, i suffered, i learned humility, i kept walking even when it looked like crawling...went into the gas station nearby, with my memories of going there daily, & only my memories were sentimental there, said hello to an old tree friend, a good creature i had yet to re-connect with...later i found an all-night sandwich joint & next to it an all-night doughnut shop, and i saw in Xmas day doing what i love best, swaying to music on my headphones & writing for my life...got home by bus 5 am in the rain, it was good, i'm here, here moves constantly, i'm still keeping up...peacelove to all, & a toast to the best of next years...
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