Soulard's Online Notebook 2002
july 17, 2002
2:29 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
beginning the next page of 2002 notebooks, & nearly three weeks since last entry...tonight made some progress toward posting a whole new batch of nocturnes...they are not ready quite yet but are very much closer than before and there is much satisfaction in that much at least...
lisa & i had a short unpleasant call two weeks ago...then she wrote to me last week a much more civil & friendly note...things between us do not stand right but perhaps not as wrong...she has been sick but seems to be ok now...the passions between two intensely caring people can be so all over the place, so right in some ways, misjointed in others...i cannot foresee where things are going at this point...i have hope, and damnitall, yes, i have hope...please, universe, help us find each other again, this golden struggling soul and me...
it's time i made more of an effort toward making a life out west than i have...it seems that there will be no simple or swift resolution to what stands between lisa & me...& i cannot abide sitting paralyzed any more...i have to begin to function...to be grateful i have a little bit of money still, a friend willing to shelter me for a time, & a passion for Art that again is running high & higher...i cannot tell what this half of the year will bring in its fullness but tonight i vow to surrender nothing while shouldering my psychic burden & trying to get along again...
july 31, 2002
10:31 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
finally, finally added 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #24, release (for lisa marie) to the nocturnes on this site...took several hours just now to do the html-coding but it is done and up...
she wrote to me finally, says she is married and living in boise, idaho...i suppose then the story between us is over...i suppose...there isn't a thing to say right now, here, aloud, or whatever...
burning man is just weeks away and i've not done a great deal of work on my bookstore project in awhile...i think getting going on that, and other things, and sorta letting my heart rumble alone awhile, well i don't know what else...
august 1, 2002
11:36 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
this morning added 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #25-29, thus bringing the series up to date...#30 will be a long one, likely not posted for awhile, or else posted in parts, dunno yet...well, yah, so yesterday got a bank account in seattle and this morning a grocery card...and a friend is loaning me a macintosh to work on burning man books...o far from happy right now but well at least doing work again, and feeling as much as things change nothing is really lost that matters...more soon or sooner :P
august 7, 2002
9:34 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
came across an online version of thaddeus golas's "lazy man's guide to enlightenment" & added it right quick to the psychedelic links page...it is a nifty little book my friend jim burke introduced me to many years ago...and is added in his honor as well as for the edification of others who may stumble across it here...sadly my guestbook and chat room and bulletin board are all going to be lost as beseen.com is going out of business in a week or so...i think i won't have a chat or bulletin board anymore but finding a new guestbook host will be important...the last few days have been quiet, waiting on my copier & burning man book files, will be a breathless rush to get as many books made as possible...keeping heart matters at a distance right now in favor of functioning...
august 16, 2002
4:06 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
suddenly she shows up again, or rather rises from hints to fullness...goodness...and the burn is still high, is it even higher? but what next? waiting...waiting...waiting...13 months and on it goes whatever it is...it is love but what does this even mean?...leaving for burning man in a week...for 10 days communicating with muse via waxing/waning moon, as well as other ways...work for today on site was mostly preparing more nocturnes to post...(yes, it is love, the question that sits plainly in view is how to begin building its world)...
august 17, 2002
5:08 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
today's website addition is the text of Hallucinogenic Plants by Richard Evans Shultes, illustrated by Elmer W. Smith, to the psychedelic links page...it looks like an excellent book for both growers and fans of trippy plant life :P
this will likely be the last entry, or one of them, before i leave on friday aug 23rd for the burning man fest in black rock city, black rock desert, nevada...this my fourth consecutive year going...today finally purchased my ticket, somewhat reconciled to not being able to attend in company of lisa...i hate that she is not able to go for circumstances that i wish did not exist...but she giggled telephonically in my ears last night at a very late hour...giggled just for me...and surely love can be carried on and along as one strides the desert among phreaks and sometimes looks up at the moon for connection, to send and receive messages...
if you read this, my love, sometime during the ten or so days when i am gone, feel this moment and its countless kin passed and to come when my love and adoration are reaching out to you, when chimes and white butterflies pass freely the love from you to me to you to me...i remember everything, as you do, as you do even better than i do you would say...nothing is lost between us...and everything is still left to come...wherever i am at the moment when you read this, i am thinking of how you laughed forever for me last night...and wishing for more and for more...
september 7, 2002
12:38 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
this morning added a new guestbook from guestbook.nu, the one from beseen.com having gone belly up...gone from this site also is bulletin board & chat room...they were kind of pointless extras...
burning man fest was a mindfuck fast & slow...danced, though not enough, gave out books & that was fun, wrote some poems, brooded, tripped, tried...
lisa hasn't been in touch with me in three days...her life has become increasingly incomprehensible to me...i can only pray for her safety & hope that we talk soon...sorry not much eloquent to say about this...
september 14, 2002
2:38 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added the first fifteen sections, that is the first half, of 6 x 36 Nocturnes, VI, #30, Terrestrial Music [for Lisa Marie]...she & I haven't been in touch in 10 days now...a very long time...i don't know what if anything is to come, but a part of me bids me have patience still...a deep part of me, guts, intuition...whatever...we met fourteen months ago today...do you remember, lisa? are you trying to get back to me? what does your silence mean?
jobhunting began in desparate earnestness this week...down to the money others loan to me...i'm hoping this coming week will see a breakthrough...i need one badly...
fixing to go out in a bit, a movie & some trippy journeying, new writing i hope too...no way of knowing what to come, just trudge on, trudge, trudge...
september 19, 2002
12:17 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added sections xvi-xix to 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie]...poem has been in creation since late july, nearly two months now, it's kind of strange to post it as it happens, section xix was written last night out the fury of a phone call...
she called at last, she is homeless, she may have shelter soon & that is a step up but the least one possible given her wounds & desires...love exists both sanely & madly between us as ever...
what to do? be patient, keep singing...keep trudging, so that's what i do, not knowing how to do otherwise...the past two weeks have been brutally upsetting, but worse for her...yet this morning i have felt hope, the kind that digs in & maybe lasts awhile...i love you so much, lisa...whither this drama next?
september 20, 2002
8:04 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
lisa called me again tonight, she is no longer homeless though i don't believe she has found a real haven yet, so i wrote a new section to 6 x 36 nocturnes,vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie], section xx, called haven...20 of 36 sections done and no idea of what even the next one might resemble
she longs for freedom, the kind she's not known, the kind that is not subject to anyone's heavy hand...i understand this desire on her part...we've known each other a long time, i've seen her go from being under one person's rule to the next...yet she loves me too, as i do her, and i wonder what then can i be with her that is both a big starry romance and a granted wish of freedom...i don't know yet...
she and i are very alike, thinking fiercely nearly always...and i've come to know that between our contacts she is thinking of me, always trying to maneuver in her mind to a better workable plan...in a strange new way i am trusting her because i feel that i am vital to any plan she is working out...there is nothing more coherent to say here to best to desist for the moment...
september 23, 2002
11:15 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
writing from this address has a terminal point in time now...end of october...sean got a to-quit notice...aside from the inconvenience of moving, he's got job, money, and options, he'll do fine...
me? i've got a girl i haven't figured things out with yet, no job, no money, and soon no reliable home/roommate...i don't know how dire things actually are, that will come clear soon enough when i start calling back about job prospects today...i've not heard from lisa in several days, i'm sure this news will stun her...
added section xxi, full moon over willow, to 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie]...a little thing but time seems to be diminishing on me having a puter and a home...yah yah this is bitching but it sometimes seems that i make more progress backwards no matter what i do...ahh fuck it, i knew this situation was limited...just need another one and soon...
september 28, 2002
11:41 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
this morning a big undertaking and long overdue...in 1999 scriptor press published my book orpheus & eurydice: make the lyre, a lengthy series of poems i'd written in the summer of '98 while slowly going insane...well i came back, or went on, thanks to dancing in the mountains and lsd, hehe, and now here years gone by is the first of the book's three sections...perhaps knowing i wont have a computer for awhile, and this happening fairly soon, is egging me to get as much content on this site as i can...internet terminals at libraries are cool but tend to limit usage in various ways...
so i've scored work at university bookstore in seattle, a week's worth of cashiering during back to school rush...my first day was thursday, it went ok...but the context in which i am working now is changed...
muse wishes me in portland near her, so in a month, as plan goes now, i will be somewhere in her city...the two of us finding out what it is we are, if that is possible...a month from now...four months in seattle in this safe home, with my safe friends sean...soon time to pack it up and get along...(she told me our dialogue never ends, is perpetual and infinite...she giggled deliciously and told me she loved me in response to my answering maching singing to her "C is for Cookie" hehehe :)
october 1, 2002
6:33 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie] #22-23, writ last saturday while biking/tripping/seeing great movie 'spirited away' and on and on in seattle, i dont know, perhaps one of my last rocking saturdays like this, time seeming to diminish here as portland looms ahead soon and soon...
my family is aiding my cause of moving to portland, oregon to figure out what i need to do next...very long time since i asked their help...it came through with love and ease...
so a month remains til then...i have been working at university bookstore in the university of washington area, called the u district, of the city...biking to conserve my coppers, scant few left...keeping faith perhaps i simply dont know how to live otherwise...keeping faith...someone waits for me...she and i are twin flames, and have some things to find out together...
october 4, 2002
12:33 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added to orpheus & eurydice poetic sequence part two, variation (I)...there are five in all, and then the third part of book & it will all be here...pretty cool...
finished week of work at university bookstore...done, done, done...now to collect paycheck and call it fine...down to pennies when i biked home last night...happily sean gave me busfare to get back to bookstore to get that paycheck waiting :P
less than four weeks til move to portland, a phone message from lisa last night saying i love you...twice...we're nearing each other again, i think she can feel it as well as i can...something righteous & good between us rouses every day more...
october 6, 2002
11:40 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added parts xxiv and xxv to 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie]...the second of these required a complete rewrite to work out alright...i was on the oregon coast, an afternoon of mushroom hunting with sean...standing on a hill overlooking columbia river as i wrote the final version...
no word from lisa since thursday...still i continue to plan my move to portland, still it accumulates a sense of pending reality...
3:53 p.m
lisa calls, tripping on something i gave her months ago, read to me a love/wedding/twin flame poem she wrote for me, looking toward me from the underworld...and so i sit here and post the second section of part two of the orpheus poems...of course i do...
october 7, 2002
10:06 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added xxvi 'underworld' to 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie]...no explanation is possible at this time...
no way out but through...
october 8, 2002
2:29 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added to orpheus poems section iii of part two...it's been nearly 48 hours no word from lisa...the hangup click of her last call...the harsh, dead words, the nothing that i've been since then though i have typed & talked & et & read & slept...the nothing i have been, the wondering what is real and true if anything anymore
no way out but through...
october 12, 2002
12:48 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie] added section #27...worked another day at university bookstore...did some househunting and jobhunting online in the portland area...last night jammed my poetry with music at the penny cafe near here...me, guitarist, drummer, sean on piano...lots of fun...what next, a movie, a journey with some entheohelping friends...then...?
no way out but through...
october 14, 2002
3:16 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added part two section iv of orpheus poems today...jobhunted online for work in portland...nothing clear right now, no bright light calling from up ahead...so i just made a list of things to do to get moving, and now to follow it...fuck knows what next...
no way out but through...
october 16, 2002
1:42 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added the Not in Our Name war resistance website to the alternative news links page...war without end as a statement of american foreign policy is being protested by more and more people...hope abides even in dark, confusing days...
no way out but through...i keep clinging to this...today i fax a job application to powell's bookstore in portland, and also call back a guy named austin living there with whom i stand a chance of becoming roommates...i do this all not having heard from lisa in over a week...i do this because i have no choice...sean is moving on with his life, to another, and i hope better, home...and i have to move on too...and portland seems where i'm bound...so i'm going to fax that application, and call that dude...and keep working on this website almost daily as my times of having free easy access to a computer, at least for awhile, are running low...my goal with this site is to get as much good content on it in anticipation of the uncertain times ahead...eventually i'll have my macintosh back...and even before that things will happen i cannot foresee now...but to get the orpheus poems all up, and 6 x 36 nocturnes up through the completion of VI, #30...and a few more things here and there...perhaps a little clean up of old or irrelevant links...that is what i'd like to accomplish in the next two weeks...
no way out but through...another world is possible...and i feel strangely talky today, this entry a little longer than recent ones...yesterday i fell apart for most of it...not hearing from lisa, the uncertainty of coming days...it all seemed too much...but i dunno somehow i kept floundering until a turn and a bit of light within...and then i was typing up the orpheus poems in anticipation of coding them to post here...and i heard from that dude austin i mentioned above...and i dont know what to think about lisa, but it seems to me like if her love for me is still true, she will let me know, she won't be able not to, and so i have to limp on not knowing but not in utter despair...if her love is no longer true, for one reason or another, then i carry on, mourn deeply and sometimes unwillingly, but carry on...i simply cannot know today, now, for certain, and my intuition tells me that things as usual are not what they seem...she may even read this entry sometime, and to her i say: at this moment you still bear my heart and my vow of fidelity...what will come i cannot say, but i have not given up that between us exists yet a sun blowing up and out with love...pain, upset, yes...but what is deepest lives yet in this moment...
october 21, 2002
5:15 p.m.
portland internation hostel on hawthorne
portland, oregon
yah here i am four months after last time here, been in this cool big neato hostel several days...liking it yah much
of course feeling weird because of associations with a romance uncertain at best these days, but here i am...
not adding anything today just hopeful news :)
october 22, 2002
5:56 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie], part xxviii, today, running out of time here to be online, so just will say i now have a home as well as a job and a library card too, portland rocks !!! :P
october 26, 2002
1:40 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
job telemarketing didn't work out, fuck no...and got a bad cold to boot...laid up depressed and trapped and sad and what the fuck do i do next don't know just sneeze and cough...eventually got a little better...trying to hang in...no content added other than this little entry, but something anyway...
october 27, 2002
6:52 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added section xxix to 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #30, terrestrial music [for lisa marie]...last weekend at this place that while shortly i lived here left its permanent burn...not much else to say but have to get offline and help in the cleaning of the house more than i have...as i am now residing fulltime in portland, so sean is moving to another place...little else...hope a feather in the shadows right now...
october 28, 2002
10:06 a.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
added fifth & final section to part two of the orpheus & eurydice poems...part three is one poem & will be added in one shot, probably tomorrow as the last addition i make from this computer at this location...from malden, to seattle, now to portland, three states in less than six months...spent hours at cleaning my room last night, it hurt some, it hurt a lot, i had nightmares again last night...tonight i need to write the final part of the terrestrial music poem, tonight i need to stand a moment still & clear among so many conflicted feelings i'm choking...but it's been pending awhile & whatever comes elsewise, its time is at hand...
today retrieve my files & some music from this computer, finish cleaning room, work slowly down a list of to-do in order to leave seattle behind as a residence...i need a shower, a shave, a mouth cleaning, a soul scrubbing...in the air right now wilco sings "o distance has a way...of making love...understandable..." what the fuck did any of it mean? again i ask this...i try not to feel too often or too much lately...the past seems littered with failure & the future beckons hopelessly...did it mean a fucking thing? things change & change & change again, & each time it seems more wrinkles in the heart & fewer ounces of dreams left...and i'm ranting now, bitterly, it could get even more so but i won't let it...i'll transmute all this sloshy bilgey emotional bullshit into art if i am still able...i'll push it harder, hardest but it will fucking HURT...that's all i can say...it will hurt & i will make it into art, & it will hurt worse, & i will keep making it into art, but there will always be more hurt than art can transmute, & i think that is the ultimate lesson artists must learn: the hurt of a lifetime is an ocean, the art produced in the face of it just shells on the shore...love at your own total risk for the moments of unspeakable inexplicable beauty that happen to happen along the way...
november 5, 2002
2:50 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
today finally added the last section to 6 x 36 nocturnes, VI, #30, terrestrial music (for lisa marie)...whatever it is, whatever it will seem to be at other times, it is finally posted...three months in the making...the last section emerged on the bus down from seattle last week and while walking the streets of portland toward the train...
working now at a market research firm in beaverton, though still jobhunting for better...none of it's easy though a message from my friend gerry back east saying keep it up, worth the effort, that helped a lot...beginning to walk deeper into portland, today spent with a friend who showed me a pretty park & a cool bookstore called psychonautical supply...tis all very slow going but a feeling of movement is starting to occur...what comes next dunno just this minute and the next and the next and one at a time is best i'm doing right now....
november 7, 2002
11:52 a.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
cleaned up guest book of false entries...did some of the work toward posting last of opheus poems, and new nocturnes...
hard to say what will happen next, going to work today, but feeling like some major changes are near to hand...riding the rapids in shadows still for now...
november 8, 2002
1:21 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
newly added are 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #31, 32, & 33, all of very recent vintage...there is more to say about these poems & their why but not now...the third of them was just finished minutes ago...
tomorrow i get my first day off from market research job in eight days, it will be a relief...even as the likelihood of the job lasting much longer is in doubt i need a day free of it...the perpetual transiting from boarding house to job and back has become wearing...ah well...keep moving somehow...
november 10, 2002
3:36 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
added part three of orpheus poems, the whole of this sequence is now up, and some satisfaction in this there must be not feeling it very much but yes...
yesterday the shrooms wouldn't do much advising as i wandered rainy portland looking for answers, well it was too obvious for them to say i suppose, and i made the phone call, and again i'm out scrambling for some new way to get by, one less destructive in the subtler ways...gotta finish this my hour online here nearly done...here's to something hopeful come soon...
november 13, 2002
1:28 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
fixed up some errors in the orpheus poem pages having to do with consistently named links between the pages...
i'm back at that job, the market research one, quit, came back, go figure...but energies for parties, publishing, dissemination and connection riling up big time just need a home/job to start, and i have that, and better to come...but fuck it aint all about me and time's coming that i'm gonna live that way more to boot :P
november 19, 2002
2:51 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #34, liberation, part one, began the work of getting it up here at the eliot e-mat cafe on MLK Jr. blvd this morning, finished it here...
working...writing...moving slowly toward more writing, and toward publishing again...sometimes doing one's art is all that makes sense, all that is simply comforting, no matter how strange the art actually is...
sometimes people write to me at this site's guestbook whom i'd like to hear from otherwise, my email is cenacle@mindspring.com...i hope this encourages people to write me directly as well...more soon...
november 26, 2002
1:52 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #35, liberation, part two...ended up here because i quit infotek today, god fuck shit damn i hated that job, its raspy empty environment...sitting in the boardinghouse tub this morning i could not think of why i was still going, but went, but it ended ugly, coulda been uglier i suppose, so i'm back to scrambling, nothing new...
i can't now say what next, not at all, except a part of me begs not to leave portland yet, believes i still belong here, and something good awaits if the struggle can be long enough engaged...faith still kicks me along but i just don't know anymore...dark thoughts pervade, hang about, entice...need a sudden bright gleam more than i can say here...
december 4, 2002
3:35 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
added headmag to psychedelic links page...a recommendation from a friend, andy the great something at spiritplants website...it had been awhile since any new links added to that page so cool...
jobhunting yah pretty much the most of it right now, though i have some local friends who've been keeping me in some fun grooves too...the gyros at UFO pizza in portland are fat and fine!
what else...i don't know, jobhunting gets to be a lifetime of its own, every time it's done...like no other way of living i know...portland sometimes feels like home, sometimes feels like, er, i dunno...as someone posted at this site's guestbook: it's a great place but hard to mold into your own...simply begins with money and quickly is about a plan what to do now that shit job attained...dunno...work toward final poem of 6 x 36 nocturnes series begun...what next? the sudden bright gleam has not yet come or maybe dancing around elusively...thinking as always questions of queenly whom...no way out but through...
december 21, 2002
3:50 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
ok...deep breath...i'm working, when there's work, at a place called MDC, yet another telephone survey company...so i work there then get told no work but there will be more in january, great...then i am suddenly working some hours for the willamette week, portland's arts/culture/news rag...doing copyediting work at 10 bucks an hour, cool place and people whoa...a real start toward doing my kind of work in the place i want to live...
ok...then...she and i meet again...the story continues...now its setting is portland, oregon...slowly pointing toward what was wanted all along...slowly...breathe, relax, she says...wow...so yah...now i'm adding to this site, at the library, et some fungi hehe, specifically the first 3 sections of 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #36, lasting (for lisa marie)...the dedication is new but inevitable...they're not totally formatted but they're up there and readable...fuck i don't know what next but yah at it and sometimes it is so intense i want to scream and cry...but i think maybe this is toward what i asked of the universe...
my friend mark had a stroke about a week ago, i send my all and every loving feeling to him and his mom in connecticut...my mom has been in touch with me and equally as loving as mark's which is to say completely...i love all of you (yah it's the fungi typing but i really do hehe)...
december 22, 2002
3:29 p.m.
portland public library downtown
portland, oregon
the first four sections of 6 x 36 nocturnes, vi, #36, lasting (for lisa marie) are now on site & in final form...this last poem of this series began some weeks ago & i'm guessing it will be months coming along & truly i have not much idea where or how it's bound in that time...
this weekend has been...quiet...mysterious...much of what i've been learning i've been gleaning esoterically from relations between myself & the universe which i don't really understand but often trust...i write out what i hear, what i intuit, my notebooks are filled with such things...but truly it's the flash of a glance, the bend of a leaf, the jingle or cry in a voice that mean more...
yesterday afternoon i sat in courthouse square for awhile watching the huge lit up xmas tree there, people crowding past...watching this tree wondering what can it be saying in ways i cannot understand really...sometimes i seemed to feel something kin to truth...portland is a special place even as people who've lived here a long time say it's changed...the angels and the jackals rove both in great numbers here...i feel at moments like my place among others is forming, not easily or quickly, but is indeed forming...trust & perserverence both, yes, and they're fucking hard...but no choice...none...i came here searching to live out ideals, the kind that had brought me to boston ten years ago, but perhaps ripened for the passage of time...now i see those ideals embodied in important ways in a face that i travel with, a person i seem to feel, i do feel, constantly...love involves pain, i read that truth again in a novel by philip k dick, dr. bloodmoney...oh i am trying, lisa, and i believe in ways, in depths i cannot possibly know directly but do feel nonetheless that you are too, that there is a something between us that is growing ever brighter, green with power and fineness...yes, i feel this and i know you do too...and the skeptics i know would just smile at me and say there he goes again...but did i not come this far by pursuing the unnameable as i have? i cannot explain it, even to myself, especially to myself, yet i believe...writhing, wondering, blowing up quietly within even as i move along politely, i do believe, lisa marie...
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