Soulard's Online Notebook 2002
january 4, 2002
2:14 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
now approaching this site's fourth anniversary…how strange…for a website i created to have existed for so long…and to know this is hardly the oldest website in cyberspace…what did not exist for most of my life now exists so profoundly that many under a certain not-so-very-young-age cannot remember the time when it did not…like TV? was that the last major invention to so affect human society? i don't know, just mulling…
and thinking how halfway through this year my intent is to be living more than 3000 miles from here…portland, oregon…short distance from where my girl is and will be…not to know how between now and then what needs to occur to get me and my stuff there will somehow happen…how? and what will it be like when i get there? goodness…and yet i will get there…i'm sure of it…and at some point in july 2002 i'll be posting to this notebook from the west coast just as surely as last year this time i was posting from harvard business school publishing, a building i will never see the inside of again…yet how once it dominated my life! how i still remember when some evil witch there told me i had to remove all references to HBSP from my website…as though one cannot say or write their name without copyright infringement…how embarrassingly arrogant…and she said it during what was supposed to be an interview about getting a better job there…
well…well…so i begin the year hopeful somehow, though still underemployed and hardly getting by…yet hopeful…i've got my lisa and at this time last year i did not…this time last year i was in the quivering ends of another romance, with a woman kind and fine but not lisa in any possible way…and my pen is going going going…yes yes…
4:09 p.m.
much work today, finally getting new year on this site begun…added 6 x 36 Nocturnes, II, #36 to the Nocturnes series posted here so far…24-poem sequence, took THE longest time to get html'd but tis and ready for viewing, hehe…added to online library a page of poetry by Langston Hughes, great poet and my gf lisa's favorite…fixed a typo found on the first page of soulard's notebook 2001…added to psychedelic links page online visionquest 02/02/02…a project that can be read about at lycaeum.org forums (spiritual practices forum)…more to say about it here soon…and of course added soulard's notebook 2002… so the year's work begun in fine style SO much more to come , hehe, peace love unity respect Art ice cream Ray & Lisa! yayyyyy !
january 17, 2002
3:34 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
today finally began adding 6 x 36 nocturnes, third series, the first six poems are up…to the psychedelic links page added lucidmirage and the pineal project, both sites being put up by friends of mine from spiritplants.com…so creeping a little more into the new year's work, this only the second day this month of any work on this site…
still jobhunting, seems like i have the same bad luck whether i try or not…my unemployment checks are still coming for a couple more months, and i've been getting some freelance work from Univ South Carolina Press, courtesy of my friend barbara…but it's fucking a shitty deal when one makes such a large fucking effort and nothing comes of something or nothing…when the fuck are people going to see how bad things have gotten in this country? between the erosion of civil rights by fascist bastards, and these same fucks' blatant disregard for the increasing suffering of more and more people, sometimes it is fucking hard to keep at one's efforts…
but thank universe i have my muse lisa marie…ahh she is so dear…she is an artist, a wonderful poet in fact…and she does for me what's not been done in a long time, maybe ever…she inspires me to keep on despite my gloomy doubts, and to believe that unimagined better, warmer, kinder times are ahead…i love you always, giggle girl :)
january 18, 2002
11:59 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added numbers 7-12 of 6 x 36 Nocturnes, second series…jobhunting…ICK FUCKING ICK…need to get out of the muck…and onward…please…
january 24, 2002
7:56 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
tonight added 6 x 36 nocturnes, third series, #s 13-18…began coding them a few nights ago, finally finished tonight…up all night tonight…writing…thinking about my current jobless state and how to get to my lisa in portland in july…it may involve a brief detour this spring back to connecticut, where i hail from…being in boston is expensive and pointless…i might just have to do something different in the next month or so to find a path, however twisty…not sure yet but why the fuck am i in boston anymore? rude, dirty, expensive, and i have no friends or loved ones here…there has to be a way and i think maybe moving out to oregon by way of a stopover in connecticut…maybe…more soon…
january 25, 2002
3:22 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
while on the phone with my lisa, my muse & true love, while she ate her strawberry & mint ice cream and fed peanuts to her friend Ringo the squirrel, i coded the last half of the third series of 6 x 36 nocturnes…halfway to all the poems being on site!! yayyyy!!! now must call lisa back and talk a little more before she takes her golden beauty sleep :) (a few minutes later: added NORML to psychedelic links site…hehe)
january 31, 2002
2:32 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, fourth series, #1-18…wanting soon as possible to get all the nocturnes online…at least all the one written…been sick the past couple of days, so a day's delay in posting these poems…always a feeling of unreality when a cold…home, alone…lisa has been doing her best to keep me company and cheered up…more soon…wow first month of 2002 ending…hmm…
february 5, 2002
2:29 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
tonight adding 6 x 36 nocturnes, fourth series, #19-36…fixed at psychedelic links page the name and url for the visionquest 2002 site, which i designed for last weekend's very sucessful visionquest…
i'm going back to connecticut in a month, poor, needing to save money to move to portland in july to be with my lisa…my friend mark is taking me and my stuff in for a few months so i can save money for my move west …i have mixed feelings about returning to CT after 9 1/2 years away…but money is overriding everything…and being alone up here, poor, well fuck it…portland by way of CT it is…more soon…i want to get more nocturnes up asap…
february 7, 2002
7:23 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, fifth series, #1-18 during this long stressful night…imperative for some reason i get them all up soon…so that whatever happens, i can say there they are go on a computer and see…
seems like move back to CT will be happening about a month…i'm numb but fuck it still swinging…i'm not done yet…no fucking way…
february 8, 2002
10:49 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, fifth series, #19-36 to site…and revamped *mlsUniverse* to the alternative & countercultural links page…days toward CT draw nearer…and my lisa makes me happy and i'm happy to say early nocturnes to her are finally on line…i've jumped back into writing last couple of days…so feeling a little better….more soon :)
february 12, 2002
8:05 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added 6 x 36 nocturnes, sixth series, #1-12 to site…fuck yeahhhhhhhhhhh…so now the nocturnes stand caught up for the moment til a new batch is ready…and it's valentine's day early cuz my muse/love sent me a brilliant crimson red teddy bear named quimby and a box of candy and a card and a tape of her silliness and giggles…mmmmmmmm :)
february 15, 2002
10:02 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
Psychedelics. The Anti-Drug and Drug Policy Alliance websites to psychedelics links page…both really good sites for fighting the War Against the Drug War…make no doubts: liberation is starting to overcome repression…it seems like an endless battle but we are getting there…more soon :)
february 17, 2002
2:38 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
6 x 36 Nocturnes on this site now has all the poems that have been written so far, as of last night…i've gotten some editorial work and so going to be staying in boston awhile longer…don't know if this contract will come to anything greater than a 4-6 week period or not…but it begins Tuesday…and lisa is bound for jobcorps in less than three weeks…action a-cooking finally :)
march 25, 2002
2:03 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
today adding what is done thus far of 6 x 36 Nocturnes, sixth series, #18, Protection (for Lisa Marie)…13 of 18 parts finished and being posted…the last month has been a ride, and much of the best of me right now looks west…let it be…await…she said "let me go but keep me"…and so i have and do…i love you always, Lisa Marie…last night i bid all the trees to send you my protection and fill you with my love…
april 3, 2002
7:52 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added to 6 x 36 Nocturnes, sixth series, #18, Protection (for Lisa Marie) the 14th to 16th parts…this site is now four years old…hard to believe but yes true and even two days past four years old now…i'm leaving for oregon to see my beloved lisa marie very soon…what will come my dreams have been glowing at me over…i love you, my true love…
april 16, 2002
10:17 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added the last two sections to 6 x 36 Nocturnes, sixth series, #18, Protection (for Lisa Marie) …my trip to oregon delayed but still is planned…these days are strange and do not seem to be ending, more becoming a way of life…not the least idea of what comes next…tonight worked on the new scriptor press burning man books for this year's festival, fourth year i'll be attending…i don't have my ticket yet, and my plan is floating wordless in the air…yet i am working toward it…in about a month i'll be doing some proofreading work on materials for harvard university's commencement…can't help but think this is funny…
universe, i beseech thee, i need hope, and i wish protection for my loved ones and others…but i need hope…badly…i beseech thee…please…
april 17, 2002
9:33 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
tonight added to online library poetry by w. b. yeats…now said library has twelve authors in it…all poetry so far but there will be fiction and prose soon…
another day passes…what happens next, i don't know…something, nothing, everything…sigh…
april 22, 2002
5:35 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added 6 x 36 Nocturnes, VI, #19-23 today…plus the Psilly Organization to psychedelic links page..this has been a fruitful month for this site as it enters its fifth year…it seems to be getting a fair number of hits from around the world which is very gratifying…
my personal life looks like a big question mark at the moment…something good seems to be rising again though i cannot be positive…but i think that it is…and thus i am choosing to live with hope…more soon…
april 29, 2002
4:55 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
updated the URL address for *MLSUniverse* website on alternative news links page…just a small fix but one kind of many webmasters need to make regularly…visitors to a website find little more annoying than a graveyard of dead links…
working deep within the mystery…my birthday, 38th, came and went yesterday in a manner that was not the least what was anticipated for so many months…but then just a few days ago eurydice called orpheus and told him to find his lyre and do what must be done…so no day or few seem to arrive without their surprises and strangenesses…i keep at this site for pleasure and as witness to what all be happening…the next entry? i just don't know…
may 3, 2002
2:44 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
i deleted "wherefore" by mark shorette from main page because i don't have the text currently…following up on my rant against dead links…
the mystery continues…in silence & in hope…i am so deeply in love that nothing can turn me off this path…i feel so deeply loved that faith the leash round my neck drags me nearer…i am so at times lonely that i don't know if the next moment will have enough breath in it…yet she calls me…saying don't leave me…she dreams of touching my hair…of our chests touching and desire burning the air around us…oh my lord, i love you lisa marie soulard and i don't know how not to say this tonight…what will days to come think of this passage that i was tonight right now in the dark, typing, moaning, begging the universe for clarity and love, begging for healing for her, for calmness…for hope…universe protect her, please heal her, give her hope, she will never lose me…one day we will sleep enwrapped at dawn…i pray for a message from me to her, love love love love love love hope hope hope hope hope hope hope…
may 11, 2002
3:24 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
tonight added Jeff Paterson, Gulf War Refusenik website to the alternative news links page…i wonder if the war is as sexy as it was or just a way of life going on elsewhere in the world easy enough for americans to ignore…tv should enlighten but it seems often to dull…
the trippy ride with my muse wife true love continues…this week there was honesty and confession and hope…and it seems to burn higher and higher and i just must go with it, the strange call to faith that has been my life, and hers, so fiercely for so long now…less than 4 weeks now til we meet…even less than that til i move back to CT, at least my possessions move back there, me i'm on the bus to the west coast for months or longer june 3 leaving as the plan currently says…i love you tonight, lisa marie soulard, saying again something, a name, that is the truth of a day i feel us utterly connected to, hurling toward…
may 15, 2002
4:26 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added PKEffect's site to psychedelic links…PK is a friend of mine now for many months…cool dude, lives in new zealand tho from kentucky originally…we met at a campout in pennsylvania last august…his site is very cool and just beginning…
10 months i've known her she me and one minute before midnight she calls and says seeya charlie…real? storm of a moment? i don't know…i don't fucking know anything but a renewed numbness before the recurring fury of something black at the heart of the world…here's to something better to say next time…
may 17, 2002
1:26 a.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
deleted the rumblings from boston page from site…my decade here is dribbling to an end this month…truth is, it was never a very successful page…never really integrated with the rest of the site…i suppose there are better ways to integrate geography into a cyberspatial site…it will likely require some thinking & time…
well, then she called, & more trouble, but hope renewed again…what happens next i don't really know…there will be silence, and mostly i'll be packing & praying…one day now of i don't know how many to come before…well, i don't know…i don't even know what the next entry will tell…
may 22, 2002
9:31 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
added daily revolution news to the alternative links page…this site looks pretty good…alternalinks page now has a decent number of links on it…
well, then she called when i thought she wouldn't and it seems like something loves us to love each other…and in days this way of life—reclusive, lonely, and increasingly self-consuming—will be over…there will be few more entries from this location…i don't know what will happen this summer or thereafter…faith without expectation is my ideal now…
may 25, 2002
12:32 p.m.
newman road
malden, ma.
so now the Arcanum Café poetry website is posted at the literary links page here…long overdue since i post there fairly often…
this morning reserved a moving truck for my exodus from boston next weekend…it's getting more real…real…real…& nearly a week since any word from my muse…reassurance comes to me esoterically…i grapple…i still believe…
june 28, 2002
6:26 p.m.
sean's house
seattle, washington
i'm not adding anything to this site today but this journal entry...left boston june 1 not looking back...then left east coast june 3 pretty shaky but i did it...buses and more buses on my cross continent route to portland, oregon...and damn if lisa and i didn't meet and hit it off...big time...
but things have gotten problematic since then...she was with me in seattle for two brief stays both of which ended with her family scooping her back up and carrying her back...the second time of these was last sunday...and there has been no word from her since...i feel strange posting this entry after so many weeks in which there were indeed hopeful moments and i could have said something during any of them...but things have been so unstable and still are as far as i can see...seattle is kind of appealing...i like it better than boston for sure...portland i liked ever more...and of course portland contains lisa...i don't know what i am going to do next about any of this, save that june is ending and sometimes new months have a way of introducing new elements, even new possibilities into a situation...
so in any event, take this entry as my effort not to lose complete touch with this site or neglect it in full...i receive traffic reports daily which tell me that people visit here every day...i wish more would sign guest book to tell me their impressions, but just the fact of their visits is gosh, keen! hehe...anyway, no fucking clue what next...something good, i beseech thee, universe, PLEASE, something good...
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